Jazzie was a happy, light-hearted child. She laughed almost from the day she was born and absolutely everyone was drawn to her. She only cried when she really had a need and otherwise would play contentedly with her baby doll and her toys. Her mother wanted to love her but she was so absorbed in the drama of her life that she hardly noticed the graceful, loving little person in her home.
As Jazzie grew older, the dysfunction of her home began to affect her. There was shouting and anger all around her. She would quietly slip off to another room to stay out-of-the-way of her older siblings and the adults in the house. One day, the craziness became a part of her own life and the unspeakable things that she endured, broke her fragile and lovely heart.
She began to keep a low profile, but when things would begin to come apart, anger would rise up in her and she would try to protect herself to no avail. Soon she reluctantly surrendered to the madness. All through her growing up years, there was no joy and only survival. She vowed never let anyone be able to hurt her and built walls around her heart.
Somewhere in the midst of the pain, she made an agreement that ‘no one would ever love her.’ She had decided that she was not worthy of love. She made another agreement also and it was ‘I am responsible.’ She felt that she could never trust anyone and she was in charge of herself. These were very lonely decisions and they led her into deep bitterness. She would see others falling in love and she would be jealous and hateful toward them. When a young man would show interest in her, she would let him near for just a brief time and then she would wound him to protect herself from rejection. A sense that she was powerful began to take root in her and she became prideful. Everywhere she went, there was strife.
Empty and alone, she had opened a door in her heart that had been filled with an evil presence and often she felt as if it had taken control. She didn’t know how to stop it and surrendered again.
She still had dreams. Jazzie was very gifted musically. She used to sing all the time. She went to school to get her Masters in Music. All of her compositions were dark and had an unsettling quality. She was constantly comparing herself with the other talented students and felt something was missing. This only deepened her rage.
What Jazzie didn’t know was that the God of the Universe loves her and He was longing for her to lay aside her anger, bitterness, pride and jealousy and turn to Him. He had already forgiven her and all the people who had hurt her. He wanted her to know that He was not mad at her. He had sent people to her to tell her of His great love and He had many others praying for her. He began to trouble her sleep and her dreams were filled with His voice calling her.
She didn’t know what was happening and still hung on to the hurt and the pain. An old friend, who knew what her childhood had been, had an encounter with the Lord. Her life was so changed that Jazzie could hardly recognize her. She glowed with the life of God. It hurt Jazzie to be near her. She wanted her to die! She didn’t even know why she felt that way. It was all so confusing. She knew next to nothing about the Lord and was a total stranger to the Bible.
Her talent began to be noticed and she took a trip to a nearby city to give a concert and spent the night in a hotel. As she sat on the bed, she surfed the channels on the television. There was nothing she wanted to watch. Turning it off, she began to look for something to read and found a Gideon Bible in the drawer by the bed. She opened it to 1 John 4 and scanned the verses. She stopped at verse 7.
“7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
She knew that she did not love.
She searched her heart. She did not love anyone. Certainly she loved no one in her own family that had so wounded her. She didn’t even love herself.
“God, if your real, please teach me how to love. Come into my heart and change me.” She felt a strange sense of peace that she had never known. She didn’t remember the happy, sweet child that she had been.
There was a flutter in her stony heart and it began to melt. It was the beginning . . .
- Nothing Can Separate Us (agirlikeme.com)